In love and happy? Make it last

Apart from the obvious spot-on physical chemistry, what is it that helps two people stay in love forever? Here we take a straight lookSometimes all it takes to make the sizzle last in a relationship is following simple thumb rules. And yet these simple mantras of a happy love life elude us because we make love complicated by adding elements of insecurity, jealousy and expectations to it.

For those who think that sex is all that counts in keeping the flame alive, think again. Research has proved that in the long run, it is the respect that you develop for and receive from your partner that will impact the happiness-meter in your relationship. After all you are with this person 24/7 and this commitment may involve meeting his or her annoying relatives, visiting exhibitions or social dos that you may not feel very comfortable with, eating food that the other person may like or cook.

So, if you set aside the physical attraction, what other facts are there which can help one stay in love forever? Let’s start with the simpler rules

Don’t criticize: This is a trap that most relationships fall into. From a habit that you may find annoying in your partner to something inane like driving style, most relationships tend to turn into a boxing match. When one partner criticizes, the other is bound to respond with a well-matched jab. Instead try to focus on the good aspects- habits, concerns etc. Force yourself if you have to. And instead of direct personal attacks like- ‘the problem with you is….’ use subtler ways of getting your message across like, ‘let’s try to…’ Similarly don’t be judgmental about people and issues that your partner may care about. Remember falling in love is a ‘package deal’. The person’s relatives, hobbies, habits and quirks come with the person.

Don’t be indifferent and controlling: Sometimes without any intention of being rude, one tends to get into a habit of snapping at one’s partner. If you feel it’s more a result of comfort levels, think again. Every time you dismiss the question that you are asked, or reply with a ‘later, quiet’ etc, ask yourself what you would feel like if you got the same treatment. If this behavior is more typical of men, women too are given to a behavior trait that tends to make the relationship onerous and tiresome. The tendency to nag and be controlling can do limitless harm to a relationship because it tends to kill the spirit of love. It hampers communication and elicits defensive reactions in the partner. Try to find out why the need for control is that high and then channelise the energy into something more positive like a hobby or more involvement with kids.

Don’t cheat: Nothing can empty out the relationship of all feelings than cheating on one’s partner. It shows that you have no respect for the individual that he or she is, that you are taking the other person for granted and believe it or not but knowing that you are involved with someone you are cheating on will eventually make you feel terrible about yourself. You will always look at others as ‘more desirable’ and will never be able to feel content with your life. In short, the two of you will be miserable and the relationship will finally crumble away.

Be yourself: The fairy tale of a prince charming with an impeccable set of manners or a princess – a picture of mellowness and soft words is bound to degenerate into the quotidian image of a married couple. So it’s best not to put on a pretense.
That does not mean that you give up all semblance of civility. But yes, you need not go the extra mile to dress up everyday even if you hate doing it. If ‘speaking your mind’ is your thing, then its better that your partner knows the same. In all this don’t forget that being with someone you love also brings out the best in you. So if you feel something in you needs work, then certainly there is room for improvement and if you are lucky enough, your partner will help you to this extent.

Be communicative: Load up on hugs and ‘I love you’s’ and mean them. Nothing can be more reassuring than to have a doting partner. Make time to go for a movie or a play, dine out together once in a fortnight and don’t forget the compliments. You don’t need to be brimming with adoration all the time. Even taking time out to discuss the future, talk about the past, plan finances or a vacation might be enough to bring back the spark. The idea is to spend enough quality time together. If on the other hand you are glued to a book or a laptop, or make plans and then just inform your partner, you are way off the mark.

Be a positive person: How you feel about yourself will have an impact on your relationship. A negative, brooding personality will induce similar behavior patterns in the other person as well. Have a positive self image; be aware of your strengths without being boastful about them. Work on your weaknesses but also keep in mind that they are not such a big deal. Similarly accept the positive qualities in your partner and make small of the negative traits.

- By Deepshikha Mehta (India Syndicate)